Last week, I was at the gym and I started thinking about "the hot dude." The hot dude was a guy I saw a few years ago (great athletic body, giant tattoo on the back of his arm, cute hair, etc) who I was INFATUATED with. I only saw him 3-4 times, but when I saw him, I was a MESS. I was nervous, couldn't think, followed him IG (he didn't follow me back, naturally) and would purposely come to the gym when I *thought* he would be there, hoping to see him. Once in a while I would, but I could never muster up the nerve to approach him. And so I left, and nothing happened.
Cut forward to the last few months. I hit my absolute rock-bottom. Depression, heart break, and weight gain. The last year was AWFUL for me. I was lost, unmotivated, wondered what my "purpose" was, blamed everyone else on my unhappiness, was unmotivated, etc. I came close to quitting this job. I was at my all-time highest weight. I was lonely. I felt victim to my own insecurities. And so, through time and therapy....I've started to pick myself back up again.
I don't want to get too deep into this, as it's a personal process and I am still learning. BUT, I am losing weight. I am valuing my time more. I am valuing MYSELF more. I realized, throughout my whole life, how much I just "lose myself" and bend over backwards for men. And for WHAT?? I can't TELL you the countless times in the past I have spent money on outfits, spray-tans, plane tickets, going on diets, having breakdowns in clothing stores, worrying about what "they" think of me, if I was thin enough or pretty enough; asking myself why they aren't contacting me more, why aren't I worth it, etc.
My entire being- my self-esteem and body image- was wrapped up into whoever I was obsessed with at the moment. And once it ended, *I* ended. And the process of self-hate, loathing, and unhealthy patterns started all over again.
And I am just not that girl anymore. She has been in my life for 36 years, and has served a purpose. But now I am ready to hug her, heal her and move forward with the best version of me possible. The version that says, "What am I getting out of this?" "How does his energy affect me?" and "Damn, you look good, today, Sandy."
And it feels FUCKING GOOD.
Love,
Sandy (@SandyStec on FB, IG and Twitter)