Yesterday was special. I put my phone on “airplane” mode and got lost in nature for a few hours.
Truth be told, I’ve been avoiding this. Not the hike itself, being alone...with my thoughts. I haven’t wanted to face them. For the last month or two, I haven’t been myself. I’ve been struggling, emotionally, with everything from loneliness, to stress, to feeling overwhelmed, uncreative, negative, and just not “me.”
And so yesterday, I walked. And I walked more. Up hills, through trees, near waterfalls, on mountaintops, and by the ocean. I just WALKED. I walked somewhere I’ve never been, even though I was nervous to do it alone. I just kept WALKING. I sweated. I cried. I stopped and took pictures. I was out of breath, often- but out of breath and ALIVE.
And for a brief moment, here or there, I forgot that I was sad.
I forgot about all the guilt I’ve been putting on myself for not doing “enough.” Not being social enough. Being online enough. Being funny enough. Not eating healthy enough. Working out enough.
This CONSTANT shame of ALWAYS underperforming in every single aspect of my life...dissolved for a few hours.
It dissolved in the breeze, the sunshine, the air. It dissolved in small conversations I had with strangers. It dissolved in my tears.
And it felt fucking beautiful. And 5 hours, 20k steps, 7.5 miles later..I had a burger on the beach and cried under my sunglasses cause I was happy.
(Matt Davis-Steep Ravine loop, Stinson Beach. October 27th, 2018)